Commitment

She looked up at the clouds and said, “I don’t remember last time. I don’t recall at all.” There was a little laugh that stuck in her throat as she reached for the glass of wine, drank from it, and set it back carefully on the blanket against the small red cooler. Her shifting made him grunt discontentment, head upon her lap in the warm sun.
“The last time what?” His speech was soft with sleepy affectation and a half-smile he could not hide. He wriggled his cheek tightly burrowing into her softness, struggling to conceal his true contentment. They had found a flat spot on the grassy hillside above the river. A row of flowering cherries lined its margin with pale pink and white curtains, lit from below by the sun’s reflection off of the river. He knew what she meant. Reaching into the pocket of his half-open shirt for a cigarette, he squinted up at her chin and said, “that we spent an afternoon in a park?” He was completely Cheshire Cat as he lit the cigarette and exhaled. “We always go to the park.” He crossed his hands over his abdomen with the lit cigarette down wind.
“No,” her face distant and glowing with the spring sunlight and the colors of the day. “And yes we always go to the park. You love the park, and I love being with you when you are relaxed. It is the only time that I really feel like I have you.” She made a puffing noise as bits of her hair found their way into her taut lips. She bent herself to look down into his eyes, half closed against the brightness of the afternoon. she moves her hand to cast a shadow over his eyes so that he would open them. “There you are.”
The cool green of her eyes held light as he took the last picture. Her cheeks cut from eastern European stock tapered to the most delicate little chin with the smallest of all possible dimples, showing itself only when she was extremely pleased or upset. He knew that he was leaving in the morning. Again. He Knew that this was the last time he would be alone with her.
“Yes, darling. I am right here,” he chuckled. “Where did you expect me to be?”
“Gone,” she said instantly, dropping her hand and straightening her back again. Eddie grunted and shifted to his side with is face away from her. “You are always gone. Right now. This minute. You are already where you are going to be next, aren’t you?” She shook her head slightly, but enough for the man to feel it in her thigh. She was right. She just didn’t know how right she was this time. Her chest expanded with a deep breath, she held it, then released it slowly.
“It’s never going to change either, is it? And why do you have to have that stupid gun with you all the fucking time?” She poked at his folded jacket and came close to spilling the wine glass that she quickly grabbed. His head ended up on the blanket suddenly, and he grunted again.
She finished he wine and laid the glass down and in one motion lifted Eddie’s head and placed her lap back under it, feeling the warmth and angles of it press into her flesh. She felt herself grow moist and cursed her body for betraying her emotions. Her hand brushed aside hes hair from his ear and she traced its outline with her finger.
“You will never stay.”
“Work makes me travel, Kiddo. The pistol is a force of habit. It is legal, don’t worry.”
“Oh damn you!” She withdrew her hand. “You must be stupid. This isn’t about your traveling, or even the damned gun. I’m talking about us. You and Me. When you leave it is an absolute. you take every trace of who you are with you and I am left here in Jersey without a shred of you until the next time you show up. I don’t think I can take another time like that.”
Eddie rose to his knees and buttoned his shirt. He settled in cross-legged facing her, his back to the light off the river and trees.
He took her tiny hands in his and touched his forehead to her’s before kissing it softly and returning to the spot her had kissed. He didn’t expect this next trip to go well. Even if it did, he would never be able to surface again. He loved her. more than anyone he had ever known in his young life. But he could never tell her.
“Look,” his deep voice dripped from his lips. “I will always love you. Sometimes we just have to be happy for what we have and hope the future will be better. Now, do you want to leave here?”
“No,” her voiced snapped as did her head away from his. She cupped his face with her hands and whispered, “if you go now i will never see you again.”
He wanted to reassure her. He wanted to kiss her and tell her everything would be O.K., that he would always return to her. He couldn’t, he couldn’t lie to her about that. She saw the truth in his eyes and a tear escaped from one of the corners she could not control.
Her hands withdrawn and wrapped around her torso, hugging herself as she bought time, subdued the horror. The trees were paper lanterns against the water, drawing her in as she fought the urge to look at him again. The nuance of motion as the gentle wind made them bow and twist gracefully was reflected in the way she had begun to rock back and forth in her place. The place they chose together upon the hillside just hours ago.
The man shifted again and laid his head in her lap. Her arm instinctively fell across his chest as she remained entranced by the colors and light.
“I think it was a few months ago, that night in Red Bank after the play. You were sitting on the bed and I came out of the shower and put my head in your lap. Come to think of it, I spend a lot of time with my head in your lap.”
“But you never close your eyes. Do you?”